Making the effort to get help for the first time ever…it’s scary, but loooong overdue. Hoping everything goes well. Positive thoughts are much appreciated!!
I don’t understand why I have to be so effing nervous about this job…
Today is my first day training register. I did computer training last night, came home, went to bed around 10:30, woke up at 4 and never went back to sleep. I woke up, and my mind said “You have to be up at 7, and now you’re not going to go back to sleep, you’re screwed, oh btw what are you gonna do about thisandthisandthisandthat? Why are you anxious? You know you won’t sleep for sure if you’re anxious. Take an allergy pill and fall asleep again. But what if it doesn’t work and you’re even more out of it tomorrow?” So I took the allergy pill and turned on some Netflix for background noise. And lo and behold, my self-fulfilling prophecy came true, and I lied awake for 3 hours, groggy as hell, almost drifting off several times, but right as I would be about to float on into dream land, I’d get a new wave of anxiety that would jar me completely awake.
I am wiped and anxious. So very, very anxious. I guess I just feel like I look like crap today too since I’m so tired. I have huge, black circles underneath my eyes, and I don’t wear makeup, so I probably look even worse, and ugh. Just ugh. I’m so happy about this job, and SO glad to be out of food service and in retail, so why do I have to be so anxious? Why am I worried about things like what I’m going to do for my lunch break (actually this one has a good reason: I’m poor right now and have no food at the house)? And next week’s schedule since the newbies aren’t on it yet? Why do I feel like I need to puke? Why am I worrying myself into such a freakin tizzy?????
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and stuff.
You can’t simply delete pictures from your brain.
You can burn the physical photographs,
or simply tear them up and toss them in the garbage.Memory doesn’t work that way.
I hate the way your face is burned into my thoughts.
I hate that you haunt my dreams,
causing me to wake with a start
and search my room for signs of intrusion
until I can calm myself enough to know
how far away you are from me
and that I’m safe, at least for now.I see you arise from the deepest depths,
and I cringe, your sadistic smile a tattoo,
a brand that strikes me with fear.But I’m tired of being afraid.
Your picture will always remain to remind me
of the mistake I made when I returned your gaze
that night, when I entered your bed the next,
when I drank with you, told you my deepest secrets
that you could only use against me.I cared for you once,
I did.But no more.
If you so choose to enter my life again,
I will push you out, though your face
will never disappear.I would make myself hate you,
but to do so would be to sink to your level.I can only hope that my face is burned inside you
to remind you of the feral beast
you really, truly are.
Black Sheep
I’m a stranger in my house
with the ones I love;
I shouldn’t feel so foreign
in the midst of familial affections,
but I always have.It’s a homesickness I can’t pinpoint.
Who feels homesick
when they’re home sweet home?Oh, but I feel it,
and it’s never subtle.
It must make a grand entrance,
flooring my heart,
stealing her unconscious body,
leaving my ribs feeling all too empty,
hunger pangs for her familiar beat
ringing through my drying veins.This feeling, it’s wrong,
a crime,
but I never know when it will strike.
I have no control.
And it makes me feel
even more singled out
than you could ever imagine.
If you’re going to be in a relationship, you’ve got to realize that, by giving your heart to someone special, you’re sacrificing a piece of your independence, a truth that has chilled my bones and scared my subconscious into nightmares. I feel like my independence defines me, but it is a battle between that and wanting someone to hold and love forever, no matter what life tries to do to fuck us over. Yes, some days will hurt; even some years might hurt. But it’s worth it to know someone else so well you can read them like your favorite book. It’s worth it to see someone through rose-colored glasses. It’s worth it, even when you take the glasses off, because the love remains, though flaws will certainly appear with the sudden onset of colors. But no flaw is fatal. Every flaw can be seen as an item that helps define us as individuals. So really, flaws are beautiful. Your flaws are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are.
That’s why I say fuck everything that I’ve been afraid of. Fuck all the issues in my head. Granted, I am still a terrified little girl, shivering and shaking with anticipation and anxiety, but I don’t have to go through this alone anymore. For that, I am thankful.
You really have no idea. Or maybe you do. Maybe that’s why this works so well. Maybe that’s why I’m willing to sacrifice a part of myself for this; for you.
Backfired
I wanted to love you,
oh, and I longed for you
to like me, at the very, very least.But I figured out too late
that all your convoluted
brain knew was hate.Somewhere along the line,
you made yourself bitter;
you destroyed your insides.So quickly they burned,
already frail, dried leaves
crackling under flame.It didn’t take long
for your heart to singe
and smolder.Less than a second,
and it was gone.And then you knew destruction
was a type of creation.You repeated the act
on so many women,
so many beautiful,
wonderful women
with potential;
with lives;
with solid-gold hearts.You turned them into shells,
shadows of their former selves
just so you could have the sick pleasure
of watching them burn
beneath your fingertips.I know because you tried
to destroy me.I know because I felt your flames
licking my heels
as I ran.I know because I got away.
Maybe I was the only one
brave enough to kick you
to the metaphorical curb.And for that,
I am stronger.
Black Sheep
I’m a stranger in my house
with the ones I love;
I shouldn’t feel so foreign
in the midst of familial affections,
but I always have.
It’s a homesickness I can’t pinpoint.
Who feels homesick
when they’re home sweet home?
Oh, but I feel it,
and it’s never subtle.
It must make a grand entrance,
flooring my heart,
stealing her unconscious body,
leaving my ribs feeling all too empty,
hunger pangs for her familiar beat
ringing through my drying veins.
This feeling, it’s wrong,
a crime,
but I never know when it will strike.
I have no control.
And it makes me feel
even more singled out
than you could ever imagine.
I must have done something pretty special to deserve you. Granted, I have no idea what that special thing was, but karma has given me another chance with you. Another day to spend with you, another night to spend dreaming about you, another kiss from you.
These are the things that life has given me, and I’d be a fool not to take them and appreciate them. I’d be stupid not to follow this beautiful path. God, I know it’s going to be difficult. I know that’s one of the reasons I’m being presented with this opportunity. I have to conquer my fear of the deep end. I will stumble, but I’ll be damned if I run away again. I always run away. And I can’t do that anymore, not with this, and not from you. The only running I should be doing is into your arms, into your heart, into your life to stay.
I refuse to let my fear control me. It is misplaced; I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of what you do to me, how intensely secure you make me feel. And that is never something I should be afraid of.
So I’m going to face it head-on.
I’m going to face it, and I’m going to love you. I’m going to really, truly love you. And that’s that.
If you’re going to be in a relationship, you’ve got to realize that, by giving your heart to someone special, you’re sacrificing a piece of your independence, a truth that has chilled my bones and scared my subconscious into nightmares. I feel like my independence defines me, but it is a battle between that and wanting someone to hold and love forever, no matter what life tries to do to fuck us over. Yes, some days will hurt; even some years might hurt. But it’s worth it to know someone else so well you can read them like your favorite book. It’s worth it to see someone through rose-colored glasses. It’s worth it, even when you take the glasses off, because the love remains, though flaws will certainly appear with the sudden onset of colors. But no flaw is fatal. Every flaw can be seen as an item that helps define us as individuals. So really, flaws are beautiful. Your flaws are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are.
That’s why I say fuck everything that I’ve been afraid of. Fuck all the issues in my head. Granted, I am still a terrified little girl, shivering and shaking with anticipation and anxiety, but I don’t have to go through this alone anymore. For that, I am thankful.
You really have no idea. Or maybe you do. Maybe that’s why this works so well. Maybe that’s why I’m willing to sacrifice a part of myself for this; for you.
